Twelve

Twelve.
Here we are.
Suddenly, it seems.
12 feels so much bigger than I’m ready for.
The last year before I have a teenager.
This year has felt harder than some. You’re kind of difficult some days, I struggle sometimes understanding what you’re feeling and how to help. But I’m trying.
You’re almost as tall as I am now... you’re a lot closer to adulthood than to the chubby little baby I sat and rocked in what seems like a different lifetime...
I love you always, further than the moon and back, easy times or hard.
Happy birthday, Benny.

Eleven

Eleven.
I don’t think I ever quite sleep the night of your birthday. My mind is always awake replaying all the years that have passed... wondering how we got here so fast. Thinking and worrying and wondering.
But mostly knowing how I wouldn’t trade anything about this life, not for one second, I really wouldn’t.
I love exactly who you are.
We are exactly where we are supposed to be.
I’m right here with you for whatever is next.
11.
I think 11 is going to be a good year.
Happy Birthday to my biggest little love.
🎂 ♥️

Ten

Ten years. Two whole hands. Anyone else in denial about how this happens so fast? Ten years we've been doing this life together. You are crazy stubborn. And also so funny. I will never ever understand why you find toes so hilarious, unless it's because you know how I hate feet. I love that you want to try new things all of the sudden, even if maybe you can't quite do it yet. You just want to be part of everything, do what the other kids are doing. I'm still not sure about this 10 thing since I look at you and still see the curly haired little person who would come to the park with me and sit in the swing for hours. I love you crazy much. Happy birthday, Benny. #thisisTEN

4 Years, Little One

Dearest Luke, Little one, Another year gone by. The minutes passing turn into hours, and in turn days- if only it were possible to just slow things down for a bit. There does not seem to be enough time in each day to enjoy the joys of childhood unfolding right before my eyes. 

My sweet child, these last few months you have started to unfold in such a personality! You are silly, and funny, and absolutely busy! You say things with such comedic timing- I can't help but laugh. You love an audience, and are hardly shy, you are always the center of attention. 

You had such an amazing time at Disney this year, even more so than years past. It gave my heart so much joy to see such pure excitement at every little thing we did and say- it was amazing! 4 is definitely the best age.

This year you have taken in interest in super heroes- you insisted on being Thor for Halloween before you even knew who he was. And once you finally saw The Avengers, all was lost :) We now own every super hero (in multiple) that exists. You, of course, still love trains and cars and trucks and airplanes and dirt- just like a little boy. Though your newest favorite past time has been putting 'mail' in the mailbox. Or anything else you can get your hands on!

You  love playing doctor with your stuffed animals. You think fire trucks are amazing. You ask for hot dogs and bread and grapes every.single.day. You still refuse to color and draw and instead prefer roughhousing and jumping and climbing. Brianna is still your best friend in the world, besides Ben. You are so in love with your brother, your 'benjy-boo'. You antagonize him to no end, but you love him and look out for him too. You make sure daddy doesn't annoy him too much :)

I love when you look at me before bed and inquire, "Mommy, you sweep wif me?" And in the morning, instead of letting me get up, you tell me you want to snuggle just a little longer. 

You took up ice skating this past year. It was amazing to watch you improve so much at the start. You still have a lot to learn, but you love it so much. You want so bad to play hockey with the big boys, as you ask every time we see them. I'm so excited seeing you love the sport I love so much and hope you enjoy playing as much as I always have. 

Watching you grow up is nothing but joy and excitement at what each day brings. Somehow watching even just daily occurrences through a child's eyes is seeing everything new again, and making everything magical. 
But don't grow up too fast, little boy, stay small and keep looking at things like you do now, without the world's burdens weighing on you.
I love you to pieces.

 

Ben's 5th Birthday

 

Well, here we are again. Another year gone by. Wow, 5. Five sounds so big to me. Like you are officially not a little boy any more, Five... 

With every birthday I have so many different thoughts. The ones that say 'wow, I can't believe what a handsome, happy, loving boy you have become right in front of my eyes without me even noticing.' And, of course, the ones that say, yes, another year has gone by and here we are- I still look at you and wish I could hear what you are thinking, what funny things you might have to say. I think about who you could have been, what you might be into at five- superheroes? Trucks? Maybe you would love to build with daddy. Or play T-Ball, or soccer. Or have a favorite baseball team... 

As much as I love who you are, and have often said how much I just can't imagine you any other way (and I mean that, as a good thing) it is still amazing how hard it is to stop mourning the dreams I had for you before you were here.

Sometimes I wonder why I was chosen as your mother, who thought I was strong enough to handle this. But in the same though I realize I already know. There is only one person in the whole world who could love you as much as I do.  

It may sound silly, and I'm pretty sure I never uttered the words to anyone else in the last 5 years, but I think I knew. Long before you actually joined us, I may not have known exactly what, but I knew that you would be special. I worried so much all those months, thought there was something we were missing. It never scared me then as much as it does sometimes now though. I just want to be everything you need... I want you to know how much I love you, and how many times each day you make me smile. 

I don't want you to ever think I'm not proud of you. When I wish things for you, or picture a different life, it's not that I want you to be any certain thing, or the most liked, or the most successful. I just want you to have the freedom to do what you want to do and to control your own destiny. I found it put so well on another blog-

"I have fallen in love.  I want you to be able to find someone to share your life with as well. And, if it would make you happy, I would love for you to experience the same joy having your own child that you and your sister have given me.  I want you to be able to make friends.  I have been blessed by wonderful friends who are even closer than some family.  I want you to be able to read.  Reading open doors to new worlds and connects our minds to great minds of the past.  I want you to be self-sufficient.  I don’t want you to be dependent on anyone else’s possibly bad decisions on your behalf.  I don’t need you to be captain of the football team.  I won’t be proud of you for joining a fraternity or dating the prom queen.  As long as you are happy.  All I want out of life for you is for you to be content and have the ability to direct your own life."

I guess the key words here are just wanting you to be happy, content. And I think you are. I hope you are. Your family loves you. Your brother adores you, and you think that he is the funniest. I worry about the future, but know you have more people in your corner than you probably realize. They love you. I guess I just worry because no one could love you quite like me.

You are so giggly, and silly sometimes, I love that about you. It is so contagious. I may not ever hear the words 'I love you' but the little squeezes and big hugs say as much to me. When I look in your eyes, I see it there. I hope you know how in love with you I am. How you and your brother are the center of my world. How nothing you ever are or are not will never change that. And who knows what the next 5 years will bring. Whatever it is, we will see together.

Happy Birthday, buddy.

Project 52-Week 6

Project 52-Week 5