Ben's 5th Birthday

 

Well, here we are again. Another year gone by. Wow, 5. Five sounds so big to me. Like you are officially not a little boy any more, Five... 

With every birthday I have so many different thoughts. The ones that say 'wow, I can't believe what a handsome, happy, loving boy you have become right in front of my eyes without me even noticing.' And, of course, the ones that say, yes, another year has gone by and here we are- I still look at you and wish I could hear what you are thinking, what funny things you might have to say. I think about who you could have been, what you might be into at five- superheroes? Trucks? Maybe you would love to build with daddy. Or play T-Ball, or soccer. Or have a favorite baseball team... 

As much as I love who you are, and have often said how much I just can't imagine you any other way (and I mean that, as a good thing) it is still amazing how hard it is to stop mourning the dreams I had for you before you were here.

Sometimes I wonder why I was chosen as your mother, who thought I was strong enough to handle this. But in the same though I realize I already know. There is only one person in the whole world who could love you as much as I do.  

It may sound silly, and I'm pretty sure I never uttered the words to anyone else in the last 5 years, but I think I knew. Long before you actually joined us, I may not have known exactly what, but I knew that you would be special. I worried so much all those months, thought there was something we were missing. It never scared me then as much as it does sometimes now though. I just want to be everything you need... I want you to know how much I love you, and how many times each day you make me smile. 

I don't want you to ever think I'm not proud of you. When I wish things for you, or picture a different life, it's not that I want you to be any certain thing, or the most liked, or the most successful. I just want you to have the freedom to do what you want to do and to control your own destiny. I found it put so well on another blog-

"I have fallen in love.  I want you to be able to find someone to share your life with as well. And, if it would make you happy, I would love for you to experience the same joy having your own child that you and your sister have given me.  I want you to be able to make friends.  I have been blessed by wonderful friends who are even closer than some family.  I want you to be able to read.  Reading open doors to new worlds and connects our minds to great minds of the past.  I want you to be self-sufficient.  I don’t want you to be dependent on anyone else’s possibly bad decisions on your behalf.  I don’t need you to be captain of the football team.  I won’t be proud of you for joining a fraternity or dating the prom queen.  As long as you are happy.  All I want out of life for you is for you to be content and have the ability to direct your own life."

I guess the key words here are just wanting you to be happy, content. And I think you are. I hope you are. Your family loves you. Your brother adores you, and you think that he is the funniest. I worry about the future, but know you have more people in your corner than you probably realize. They love you. I guess I just worry because no one could love you quite like me.

You are so giggly, and silly sometimes, I love that about you. It is so contagious. I may not ever hear the words 'I love you' but the little squeezes and big hugs say as much to me. When I look in your eyes, I see it there. I hope you know how in love with you I am. How you and your brother are the center of my world. How nothing you ever are or are not will never change that. And who knows what the next 5 years will bring. Whatever it is, we will see together.

Happy Birthday, buddy.